It ain’t hipster if it ain’t quirky.
Here’s a list of things to look out for if you want to double-check you’re in a genuinely hipster joint.
1- It’s guaranteed to have a wacky chalk board notice outside
It’ll usually be some amazing fact about how beer or cake can cure your ills.
2- Music playing in the background by someone you’ve never heard of.
Most likely, your hipster bar owner won’t know them either. Even so, it’s worth going up to them and saying “This is one of my all-time favourite songs”, just to see the expression on their face.
3- A building that was once for a public service
It could be anything. A police station, a school…or…anything…
4- The unusual, creepy decor
Basically, anything they can find from a Salvation Army jumble sale. Ramdom items from a stuffed dog wearing a balaclava to a picture of an ostrich riding a bike. Everything you’d expect, basically.
5- Books that no-one has ever or will ever read
Books upon books. You probably saw a similar array in your grannie’s drawing room at one point. Most likely as she subscribed to a Reader’s Digest offer that just kept on sending those books with no chance of canceling.
6- Actual church pew seats
They’re not the most comfortable so no-one will be relaxing all day within the premises. Maybe not the best business idea?
7- A sofa that even you get stuck down the side of
I suspect they get them specially made.
8- The dark, dark toilets
Toilets will be decorated in the usual “student flat” design.
9- More beers on tap than probably even exist
And you won’t have heard of a single one. Just order a babycham and save yourself a lot of time.
10- Beers with great names!
Okay, it’s not all bad. It’s worth having a browse just to check the names on some of those. Though it’s worth noting that they’re all “wannabe-cocktail-names”.
11- Big, Big beer glasses
Cos it’s cool yeah? But are hipsters wanting to be cool? Just have another drink. It won’t matter in an hour or two anyhow.
12- A confusing cocktail menu
What is half this stuff? Are they making it up as they go along? Who care’s? It really hits the spot. I’ll have another.
13- A pub dog
There’s always a pub dog. This one will probably be a bearded collie.
14- Twists on your usual pub food
Replace ‘Chicken and Chips’ with ‘Dodo and Spanish Corn Bean Frites’ or some other posh/pretentious nik-naks.
15- Board Games
No hipster joint would be complete without it’s snakes and ladders.